A Mother Alone

All week, Peatuk has been home sick. Which means all week I have had both kids. Nikola, as usual, has deadlines, so most nights he wasn’t home or, if he was, it was just for a quick dinner and part of bed time. This is stressful for me. I love my kiddos, but I’ll be honest: Peatuk is a handful. And he just reached the “why” stage where he questions every word that comes out of my mouth. I was frazzled.

We planned to go to the festival in Dryanovo today and hang out with Nikola’s co-workers. But in a moment of frustration, I suggested Nikola take the kids by himself and give me some alone time. He said it was a good idea.

This morning I loaded the three of them up on a train and sent them off on their own.

My heart was BREAKING while I pushed Jojo in the stroller to the train station. I realized the other day that she has spent as much time in this world as she has inside my body. She’s growing up, stretching out.

I remember this ache when I left Peatuk, but I don’t remember it being this piercing. Maybe it’s because with Peatuk we weren’t alone all day every day the way I am with Jojo. With Peatuk, Nikola worked from home, and baba was always nearby. But with Jojo, it’s like she’s an extension of my body.

It felt strange to walk without a stroller or a backpack.  To open the elevator door, easily pop in, and go up five floors. To navigate stairs in a few seconds instead of minutes. To not have to think about curbs or low hanging branches. To wear a shirt without direct boob access.

I don’t have a lot planned for the day. Trying to avoid housework, because that’s a waste of the alone time (although part of me wants to sort out the attic room). Working on one of my novels, spending time in a coffee shop- enough that I may even have to use the bathroom and then continue to sit and read and write. Maybe I’ll dive further into the book I’m reading (The Temple of My Familiar- so good, so hard). Probably I’ll cave and catch a bus out to meet up with them in a few hours.

I wanted so much to just hop on the train and go with them. But I know I need a day for myself. This will be good. They will be fine. Right?

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