I feel like all of my updates lately. Facebook, Twitter, and blogging. have been focused on my new meds. I’d like to say this update is bucking that trend with some super interesting news. But it’s not.
The very plain fact of the matter is that this is the most important thing going on in my life right now. Its a big thing! After years of cutting, two suicide attempts, and years of risky, flighty behavior while “managing” my depression, I finally asked for help. from age 11-34, thats’ 23 years that I was too afraid to seek help… or couldn’t afford it… or thought my problem was minor.
So, where am I? What’s the update?
I’m on day 18 of my current med schedule, and it is going surprisingly well. Almost everyone I talk to says Zoloft is the worst, but it seems to be working well for me. The strange rolly side-effect has mellowed, but the general mood has stayed.
The clonareks concerns me because everyone says it is so hard to get off of. I hope to start getting off of it Tuesday when I go in for my next appointment. It makes me very sleepy at night) and I am starting to have strange dreams (very real-life, and I wake up not knowing if they really happened or not). While solid sleep is super good for me, it makes it difficult to care for Jojo at night, and she happens to be going through her 9- month sleep regression right now.
The Actual Work
WhenI first went on meds, people kept telling me they are just a band aide and I need to do the actual work of processing the roots of my depression.
I was pretty sure I was one of those rare people for whom depression is purely genetic and not caused by outside trauma. But after some deep reflection. I realize thats not true. I’m not ready to share what I believe the root causes of my depression are publicly. I may never. But I am starting to reflect on them and move forward from them instead of burying them deeper.
Of course, the work is not just processing the past. It’s moving on to the future, which is the best part of this. I like restructuring my life to support my needs. I like not feeling so hopeless and gloomy.
One thing that has shocked me is the ammount of advice (and support) d’ve gotten since I announced I am going on meds.
I see the advice as people wanting to help and also aching to share their own experiences. However, at times it is more in both volume and condescension than when I was pregnant.
While I am grateful for most of your perspectives, I do hope that my friends and family realize I’m not going in this blindly. I do my research and I am familiar with the basics of these kinds of medications. Also, please remember that we all have different experiences and personal chemistry. I love hearing what did and didn’t work for you, but please don’t assume your experience will translate directly to mine.
One reason I’ve always been afraid of going on meds was i did not want to lose my unique perspective and creativity that my depression gave me. I am happy to say that fear seems to be unfounded. Right now I actually seem to have a clearer picture of the world around me and an easier time focusing on my writing. So I’ll say so far it has been good for my creativity.
Overall, I am still in a place of excitement about this. I also have a lot of self-doubt. I find myself wondering if I actually was depressed. It is an absurd thing to wonder with the obvious and significant changes of the past two weeks, but I wonder. Psychology relies almost completely on self-reporting and I have this fear that I am just dramatic and attention-seeking, that none of this was real. That’s a hard thing to get over. But I’m working on it.