Finally Messing With My Brain Chemistry

I’ve struggled with some form of… well, something, for as long as I can remember. Let’s call it depression, although there have been bouts of weirdness mixed in that extend beyond that easy title: anxiety, mania, whatever.

When I was on birth control for extended periods of time, back around age 20, it got so bad that I attempted suicide. But no matter how bad it got I was always able to come back from it. Diet, exercise, 5-htp and melatonin taken at critical times. This got me through. Anyone curious as to why I really started running marathons? There’s your answer.

And things were looking up. So up, in fact, that I got married and had kids.

And then things crashed. Because, as all parents know, “controlling” things when you have kids is nearly impossible. My caffeine consumption went way up, my sleep way down, and my exercise was erratic and consisted more of running after a toddler and less of the meditative high of long runs on my own.

I’ve always been anti-meds. I’ve been terrified of meds. I’ve heard the way people describe them as soul sucking and creativity killers. Ideas like permanent damage float around in my brain. I did everything I could to avoid meds.

But, at some point, it became too much. The depression interferes with my parenting. The anxiety bubbled over into rage. I was annoyed by everything. I was rarely happy. I decided to go in.

Yesterday I was prescribed zoloft and clonareks (more commonly known as colonopin). The amount of the pills was so small that I assumed I would feel nothing- that it would take weeks to build up and kick in. I guess I somehow forgot that just a single drop of LSD can send a person flipping for half a day…

Last night I started with the clonareks. It made me very, very tired. So sleepy I almost didn’t make it to my second dose. But along with the tired, it definitely took a sharp edge out of my attitude. I was more patient with Peatuk and Jojo. And I slept. Oh, did I sleep!!! A blissful, black, restful sleep all night long. No tossing and turning. I only woke up when Jojo needed me. It was absolute bliss. I cannot remember the last time I slept like that.

This morning I took my first zoloft. It was- surprising. My skin is vibrating and I am aching with internal pleasure- it is a lot like coming up on ecstasy, which I wasn’t expecting. From what I read, that is a sign to watch out for. It could fade after a few days or it could be a sign that I am more bipolar and not just depressed. I guess we’ll see.

Right now I am feeling a wide range of emotions.

  • I am terrified to be taking these meds.
  • I am proud of myself for asking for help.
  • I am excited that I might get better.
  • I am worried that something worse will happen.
  • I am guilty that I finally caved.

As you can see, it is a giant mess. But mostly, I am optimistic.

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