The Second Time

Written on 5/21/2016:

On Monday I found out that I am pregnant again. I took the test not actually suspecting to be pregnant. Sure, my period was about a week late and sure, I felt grossly nauseated most days in that week, but still… we had only been “trying” to get pregnant for a month and a half. I use “trying” loosely. We stopped using a condom and stopped pulling out. We didn’t pay attention to my fertility window and we didn’t up our sex game (much). So, yeah, I was surprised that I was already pregnant.

I had expected to have a fun summer of trying to get pregnant again. I don’t know why I thought that. Our first time it took us two months of not really trying. Why would this time be any different? I am only three years older, and Nikola is as… virile as ever. I should have been prepared for becoming pregnant immediately. It is logical. But I wasn’t.

This pregnancy is already infinitely different than the first. No sore boobs, but aches in my lower back and constipation. The fatigue is about the same, although I am exercising through it this time, but there is this very new and unwelcome nausea. About half of my waking hours are spent wondering if I am finally going to throw up, and halfway wishing I would. Eating small meals, not eating at all, none of it seems to help. I am glad that I skipped this the first time and not too happy to have it this time around.

Another strange thing I am experiencing is an amazing light tripping sensation. It is usually at night before I go to bed, while I am laying down and everything around me is still. I feel the swirl of unfamiliar hormones in my body. I feel them dancing through my blood and my skin tingles in some places. My mind feels very slippery, like it is sliding over itself, and when I close my eyes I get very light, subtle visual hallucinations. Geometric patterns sliding around like a kaleidoscope.

In some ways, it is familiar. It is like the swirling, whirling sensations I used to feel during my adolescence when I was going up into the peaks of my mania- when I was still in control and could enjoy the feeling of foreign energy running through me. It is, in some ways, similar to the metallic waves that come over me at the tail end of an acid drop, when I am exhausted and unable to take any more and surrender to the light after-pulses of the experience. It is exciting and delightful. Unlike before, it is not intimidating or scary.

I like to imagine it as my little one’s soul, gathering, colliding into me, separating out from me, as it prepares to enter their body.

Although I have no reason to, I believe that the soul enters the human body around 49 days after conception- when the pituitary gland forms and releases its first large dose of DMT. Yes, it is all theory and wack-a-doo, but it makes sense to me for DMT to be a spiritual lubricant. So that would mean that their soul is not yet in them and is trying to separate from my soul- and trying to combine to mine. It makes me feel alive. And connected to the greater world in a way I have not recently. It is an amazing sensation— although it doesn’t help the nausea much. 😉

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