A Gloomy End to 2015

(Feel free to skip to the bottom for a cute Peatuk clip)

As usual, I find myself approaching the new year with a slight sense of melancholy. Since 2000, when I dressed up as Peter Pan to attend my first new year’s eve party, the feeling has been similar. Only now, as an adult, most of the magic that surrounded the melancholy has gone. Instead, I see it for what it really is- bad timing with my hormonal changes mixed in with a reflective, nostalgia that does not mix well with my particular brand of depression and anxiety.

Although I have been better over the past few months— getting out of the house more and sending Peatuk to daycare has helped smooth out PMDD symptoms that were becoming increasingly scary— this month has been rough. Over the past few days I have felt short of breath, my heart racing, and a feeling of dread about the coming year. Although I am perfectly safe and more or less financially stable, I feel like I am swimming- churning so fast and about to go under at any moment. You know, the usual feelings I associate with unfounded anxiety.

Now that my period has passed, though, I am hoping that my mood will lift for the festivities tonight and I can ring in the new year with a smile on my face.

Overall, 2015 was good to me. Our little family is settling in to Gabrovo nicely. Our business, although it is not thriving, is staying above water and should show some increases in the coming year. Both Nikola and I are learning a lot about business management, which goes way beyond simply being good at what we do. Sometimes I wish that we lived closer to Nikola’s family, but I still do not miss living in a big city. Sometimes I yearn for the absolutely absurd community that I had in the bay area and Tucson, but I am patient enough to wait for it. To consider how to build it myself.

Peatuk has been growing and thriving. He is in one of his particularly sour moods this week- clinging to me, crying with frustration when things do not go his way- and sometimes I get frustrated myself. However, he is absolutely sweet at other times and my heart melts with the love that I have for him.

Nikola and I started running together. We tried this before, but I was training for a marathon at the time and it did not work out. We ended up having him ride support while I ran. This time, however, I am so at the beginning that we are well-matched. We bought new heart-rate monitors and hopefully the financial investment will spur us to continue running. However, the sudden cold snap that seems to be taking over the world right now is not making our dedication easy.

I am at the beginning of running again. The very beginning. The walk a minute, run two minutes beginning. The frustrating, slow beginning where I have to carefully monitor my heart, my breath, my cadence, my strength. Where I have to constantly adjust my stride, correct my posture. Where everything feels new. Although it is frustrating to be back here, at least now I know that it will pass and eventually running will be that same release that I found it to be. I am not sure if there are marathons in my future, but there is definitely quiet, long runs in the morning on mountain roads. There will be that, and I look forward to it.

What else can I say about 2015? It was a year. If I am honest, it was a good year.

To remind myself of this, I will post a video of our little bug decorating his first Christmas tree 🙂

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