Into the Dark

I usually get nervous around this time of year. The days are getting shorter more quickly than I would like and I know that soon I will be restricted to a few hours of cold sunshine a day and that might not be enough to stave off the winter blues. The anxiety- the anticipation- is usually enough to send me spiraling for a few days.

This year, though, it seems different. Just as I have been liking fall more than summer, I do not find myself afraid of the dark. I know there will be long, difficult days with an energetic toddler who wants to be outside 100% of the time. I know that with the weather and the short days, I will likely experience my usual depression. But somehow, I am not afraid of it.

The supportive husband helps, a lot. Often times he does not know what to do with me. I know that my mood swings can wear his patience. But we are learning how to manage it together. It is interesting, because for a few years I was so proud of myself for learning how to manage my moods on my own. Then, suddenly, I was married and a mother and all of that work I put into self-management went down the drain. Running. Yoga. Meditation. Writing. Listening to music. I no longer have time for those activities- not like I used to- and so things got a lot worse. You would think once I found someone I love immensely that it would get better, but the stress of a relationship- of always being around someone- even if it is positive stress, stress that I like, wore me down. Things got ugly a few times.

But, it is getting better. I can feel that. I am gaining control. Peatuk going to daycare and leaving me a few hours alone a day helps. Nikola is slowly learning how to help manage my moods- when to engage, when to press, and when to step back (although, we have a lot of work to do… as many young married couples do).

So here we go. Into the dark. And I feel confidant. Optimistic. Happy.

Happy equinox.

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