The last few weeks of pregnancy just creep by. Although some of it is nerves- anxiety and excitement about meeting the little person who has been growing inside of me- a lot of it is just plain physical.
When I close my eyes I feel huge. I feel like I am floating and melting away. I feel like I take up more space in the universe. It isn’t the body I am feeling. It is the relaxation of my mind, the surrender, the utter exhaustion that keeps me from being the tight little ball of cosmic energy I used to be.
When I stand I feel like a spider. I walk and my joints bend in funny ways, out and around and down. It is like there is no meat around them. They are just bones and ligaments- stretched and slippery and crunchy.
I feel guilty. Listless. Restless. Desiring.
I lay on my left side, like the doctor tells me too, and my hip feels old… rolling, those gentle, subtle shifts that bring comfort during the night have become impossible. I get jealous when my husband casually lifts his body from the bed and pulls the blanket around him as he resettles. Do you know how many muscle groups are involved in that three second movement? Do you realize how important your abs are?
I feel like I have to pee… again…
I feel anxious. I ate too much vitamin e. The shea butter I use had vitamin e extract in it. Vitamin e seems to be everywhere these days.
My fingers feel like sausages. Wet and fat and unable to crack. I am not used to being so wet. I tend to be a dry person, like the summer sun. These days I sweat and I stink and we wont discuss where the other liquid has started dripping from.
My hips feel flat and wide and have an ongoing desire to rock. Forward, backward, side to side… I imagine I look like a child doing a pee-pee dance, but it is one of the few things that feel good.
My husband strokes my hair, kisses my brow… tells me it is almost over… and I feel guilty for wanting it to be over. Because I don’t. I love being pregnant… it just got so very hard this week…
10 days and counting…