It was 25 degrees today, in Celsius. I have become so well integrated to European standards that I have neither desire nor need to convert that into Fahrenheit. 25 can be understood as quite warm, and after months of drizzly weather hovering between 0 and 10 it actually felt more like, “hot.” The boy and I had to make a decision between remaining naked all day, or putting on clothes in order to open the windows and get a breeze in. We decided on the latter and the boy went with his trademark orange shorts from France while I wore leggings and my cut up Pomorians shirt. Of course all of this information is periphery that I am using to set up what really HAPPENED today. Or maybe it isn’t. Maybe that is all that happened. We were hot, and it was a gloriously beautiful day. I finished two essays and we cleaned our apartment a bit. Maybe those are the important bits and epiphanies are meaningless. But I am a sucker for those, “aha,” moments and so I will continue on to what I thought happened today.
After cleaning, and homework, the boy and I took a little break to cuddle in bed. Laying there next to him with no blankets on top of us, my skin felt tingly and somehow more alive than it has in months. It was as if I had just woken up from a deep sleep and I got such an exciting head rush. It was bordering on overwhelming and I had an urge to laugh or cry or emote in some other inappropriate way. It was as if it tickled- whatever it was- it tickled from the warmth around me, but it also tickled in waves of color and sound within my brain. Was it me flooding back into myself? Summer knocking on my soul? The sensation passed just before it became unbearable, leaving me to ponder it.
Ponder. Ponder. Pondering takes time. Life at age 29 rushes in so fast that more often than not there is not much time left for pondering. But pondering is one of the important things, and if no one will give me time to do it, then I guess that I will just have to take the time myself.
The thing is that the inability to ponder and the rushing explosion in my soul-brain came from the same source, more or less. I am very frustrated with life. While I am happy with my husband, happy with many of the things that I have done in life, I am very upset with “life,” overall. And by that I mean the restrictions that society places on life.
Example: For years I have been saying that I wished humans practiced some form of hibernation. I am not saying that we should become completely inactive during winter, but we should scale back on our activities and demands for productivity. Of course, since the invention of electricity THAT is out of the question, and I thought that I was insane for desiring such a regression. Of course there is no way to implement it… well… I am freaking EXHAUSTED from trying to be productive during a season when my body and soul scream at me to be reflective and nothing more. I am tired of feeling GUILTY because I am not as productive as society wants me to be, and I have made a decision. Enough is enough. I refuse to live by these ridiculous rules that focus on progress instead of existence. From now on I am listening to my body and extracting myself from the silly demands of modern invention. Enough.
Now is that important? Maybe. I am going back to caving up to my love and snuggling away the question.