Will you forgive me?

“They” say that it isn’t a good idea to share the private details of your life on the Internet. Once it is uploaded it is impossible to erase. There is always some hidden cache, or a screenshot saved for no apparent reason that you just didn’t expect. These will be found during the most important moments of your life, and they will be held against you. Your pictures. Your thoughts. Your admissions. People are always searching for a weapon in the ashes of your life. These are personal things and do not belong on the web. But I have always hated the division between the personal and the professional. I long to be naked, to be honest, and I never care much about my vulnerability.

I sometimes am stopped by the idea that I will not be forgiven for my actions. It is not that I am doing things that I think should need forgiving. However, my personal ethics seem out of phase with the juggernaut of societal expectations. To be honest I do not know a single person who agrees with the standards that the world has set for its individuals, but we all propagate them. Our simple act of hiding what we do and think reinforces these moral standards. A person will say, “Ah, you had sex out of wedlock! (Well, so did I) But there is PROOF that you did! You are not worthy to work with children.” There are standards that say it is not okay to be openly gay. That drinking and drugs are wrong. That girls have to maintain a very delicate, undefined balance between chastity and promiscuity. The norms go on, but I won’t.

Sitting here at a cafe and writing my uncensored thoughts I wonder- Will I be forgiven? Maybe I will be forgiven for the things that I admitted to when I was 20, but with age comes responsibility and I fear that I won’t be forgiven for any honesty that I give now. Now is a critical time, and everything will be held against me. Artists are forgiven. They are worshiped. Politicians are not. I don’t want to be a politician, but I am no longer much of an artist. So, here I write, naked, wondering if maybe I am wrong and there is nothing to be forgiven. Or, maybe I will be forgiven.

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