There are times, wrapped up in a winter cocoon with Jojo, when I feel myself clinging desperately to the moment. The way she snuggles deep into me- the way she feels safe in my arms. She is whole- unbroken, and the mama bear in me wants nothing more than to keep her suspended in our sleep forever. Eyes closed, perfect eyelashes, a picture of peace.
I didn't feel this way with Peatuk. It was similar, but not the same. With him, it was always wonder. I had no idea what was coming next. He amazed me, just be existing. He paved a road in my heart, tamed places I didn't know I had. And now, thanks to his work, Jojo rolls along through my most tender parts, crushing me with unexpected speed.
I want to hold her back. In this moment. I don't want her to grow up, because Peatuk has taught me that these morning snuggles and late night breast feeding sessions are limited. They end. They are precious because they end, because I don't want them to end.
Looking down at Jojo's black eye, I can't help but realize she will fall. She will hurt. She will break. And I don't want her to! I want to keep her perfect and whole.
But that isn't what humanity is about. Thankfully, as much as Peatuk has taught me that these perfect infant moments are fleeting, he has also taught me that there is so much more to look forward to. Talking, joyous laughter, stories, games, logic, making sense of the world. Even the tears and tantrums of a four year old are precious- beautiful. I can let go of Jojo's infancy only because I know what adventure awaits us. Awaits her.
Parenting is hard. Dealing with my own psychological issues while trying to parent probably makes it harder. These fleeting moments make it worthwhile, but they are also the hardest of all.
I've always struggled with letting go of a moment, with believing that something better was coming, with growing. In myself that was hard enough. But now, I can't help but keep repeating, "This was the best year ever- how can it possibly get better?"
I have so many hopes and dreams for my children. But most of all, I hope that the way they break and crumble will make them strong. That they will see beauty in their own humanity. That they will be happy.
And that is today's gushing nonsense. Back to your regularly scheduled diaper changes and dishes.