My Salvation

I used to be emo. Not simply emotional, but dramatic about it to the point that I could have cut off more than half the word and said it in a single exhaled monotone. I could have, if the word had been popular back in my day, but it wasn’t, and so I didn’t. I wasn’t “goth.” Well, not on any given day. There were twinges of black mesh, glitter, and leather collars that peppered my wardrobe, but it was not anything nearing a statement. I attended Paris, the RHPS. My friends were goth, for sure. I, as usual, kind of just was. I wasn’t “was” in the apathetic way that most adults thought teenagers were. I “was” in a completely tender, overwhelmed, excited, bursting, awe-filled way that just forgot to conform to societal roles and labels. A little emo girl stuck in jeans and a t-shirt without any eye-liner. How tragic.

Looking back on my emo tendencies the event that rises as most potent took place when I was 20, living in Tucson. I was at a guy’s house. I don’t remember his name. Although he filled an interesting role in my pivoting life he, himself, wasn’t particular important to me. I remember that he lived up north, off the freeway, in an apartment with a roommate. I don’t remember how I met this guy, I don’t remember how many times we hung out, or what we actually did. What I do remember, very clearly, was that his living room was dark. All the light was shut out even at mid day, and for some breakup, (his or mine, or maybe his roommate’s) Evanescence, “My Imortal” was always playing in the background. Now, I still think that “My Imortal,” is a great song. Beautiful voice, good composition etc. But back then I thought that it was more than great. I thought that it was IMPORTANT. I sat there, in that dark room that smelled of single boys, the three of us nursing broken hearts together, and I agreed that this song was the epiphany of the year. Even as I agreed I found it tediously overplayed by the boys, and I got up out of that room, into the bright sunlight and left. What I did later that day is a quite different story.

I have come a long way since thinking that Evanescence was IMPORTANT. I really thought that Istanbul was meant to be my salvation. I thought that I was destined to be dragged back into the divine comedy that is emo-land. I thought that I would tear and bleed, and rip at life.

Instead I made a choice. It was the best choice of my life. The drama is done, packed away for the days of nostalgic writing and moments of artistic inspiration. Instead I have bliss. Bliss and joy in many forms.

Forms of Bliss:
Running Bliss
Loving Bliss
Learning Bliss
Meditation Bliss
Religious contemplation Bliss
Swimming Bliss
Cooking Bliss
Eating Bliss
Sexual Bliss
Comfortable Bliss

Ahhhh… life is good.